Ode to Drunk NASCAR Fan (with conclusion)

The pinnacle of our 'Dega experience was our.....opportunity to take part in the life of one "drunk NASCAR fan". I believe his name is Jeff, but in order to protect the sober he shall henceforth be referred to as DNF (drunk NASCAR fan).

When we arrived at our seats, there weren't very many people there. We got to look over the track, even watch some of the Nextel drivers practice for the Big 'Un (the Sunday race).....then, it happened. DNF made his proud entrance stumbling to his seat with the help of his slightly embarrassed wife. This guy was wasted. According to his kid, he had been drinking since 8:00 a.m. Luckily...he came and sat next to me. Every once in a while he would "stand up", but he couldn't "stand still". He was wobbling all over the place. I thought he was going to fall on me at one point, and mind you...he was no small feller.

His next job was to welcome everyone to the track. You gotta picture this in your head. DNF wobbling, but never spilling his beer (at least not yet), and yelling at the top of his lungs, "Welcome...NASCAR fans!" Apparently he didn't think anybody heard him as he repeated himself at least 6 more times before his wife grabbed him and pulled him back into his seat. You may be thinking....surely he settled down after that. Oh no! The fun was just beginnning. He then felt it was his job to tell everyone in our section when the cars were coming, and then motioning as if to show them which way to go. Now remember, he's sitting to my left, and the cars run left to right. This only happened the first 12 to 14 laps of practice and yes, he hit me almost everytime.

Eventually, he got tired of sitting in our row and decided to climb to the row behind us. Don't know if you've ever seen a drunk try to "climb" over a row of seats. Let's just say after several attempts, a close encounter with the ground, and lots of pushing and tugging....he made it. Now, he's sitting behind me. Oh, the joy....Now he's still entertaining himself by following the cars with his arm (again knocking me in the head) and then at one point he became so fascinated with Laura's ponytail that he just reached out and grabbed it. Can you feel the love?

It wasn't long before our dear friend, DNF, started "feeling the effects" of his morning activities. He was no longer "standing up" as much. In fact at one point, he looked as though he would simply slump over onto his head. Of course that would have been fine if it wasn't for that can of beer in his hand. Remember when I said he hadn't dropped his beer yet? Well that all ended....right into the back of my seat. I was thrilled. But wait it gets better. At one point he began to...shall we say...recycle his morning alcohol breakfast. Again...right behind me. Luckily, we were able to move down a bit (one seat) and didn't have any more adventures with our dear friend.

So...to our good buddy Jeff, ur...I mean DNF. As you hug your porcelain friend trying to remember what happened to Friday and Saturday and Sunday, may your headaches subside and your clothes come clean. Happy puking my friend....happy puking.